Thursday, June 21, 2012

How do you wait for Heaven, and who has that much time?

I woke up this morning with this song on my mind, which was an odd way to start the day.

I had a lovely day today.  I belong to a really fun lab group for Weather.  They will help me survive the summer.

My friends from Oregon came back to Chico for the weekend and invited me for an impromptu meetup and it was really nice.  It's a little existential of me, but I think that maybe life is just saying yes to people who make you happy.  Appreciating what you have.  I would've been just as happy to stay home and look at majors tonight, but it was great to be able to see people I don't get to very often.

I have no idea what I want to major in.  I have been rethinking Astrophysics, but I get really scared when I think about taking Calc and Physics again.  I'm sure (maybe) that I could succeed in those classes if I applied myself, but it's really scary to think about how hard it will be.  I just remember loving physics SO MUCH in high school and I don't want to leave it behind yet.

There are a lot of unfinished ends in my life, I think.  I got rejected by Wellesley this year, but I still feel like there wasn't a satisfying conclusion to the whole situation.  Something is still missing for me to have closure, and I don't know what it is.  I will probably keep having breakdowns/depressive periods until I figure that out.

I don't think I am destined to have the fantastic college experience that I hear a lot of people talk about, but all I can really do is make the best of it.  I want to be able to say that I will just get through with it no matter what and push through the difficult classes just to get it all over with, but I don't know anymore.  The end product just isn't attractive enough for me to focus all of my time and energy on something I don't necessarily want to do.

My therapist thinks I need to trust myself more.  Give myself more credit.  I don't know if that's true.  It's been a really odd month.  Hopefully I will figure things out by the time I need to pick classes on the 5th.

I need to keep writing.

This music video gave me a completely unsubstantiated mental breakdown the other day.


Anonymous said...

You have so much going for you. Trust yourself, your intelligence, personality and believe in your assets. Your college experience will be what you make it. Follow your interests. Get that degree from Berkeley then make the most of it. You are very lucky. Count your blessings.

Margaret Jones said...

Find the time to go here.